A Teaching Hospital and a Dildo

I understand that doctors need to learn somewhere. I see the necessity for practice. After not having had health care for a bit, I learned closely how it is that they garner this experience and knowledge.

At the expense of poor, disempowered people.

I’m lucky enough that I didn’t learn this until later in life because I had health insurance. But I’m not even getting on my soapbox about healthcare. There’s plenty of blogs out there to read if you’re looking for that.

This is about a clueless lesbian, a swollen tonsil, and lube.

Elena and I sat in the waiting room for something like 4 hours. I couldn’t speak because my right tonsil was so full of crap and puss that it blocked my airway and I had to spit my own saliva into a handkerchief, as I was unable to swallow. HAWT. Really, really sexy. This was my first visit, of four, to the Emergency room.

To further illustrate the experience beyond the visual of my spit-cloth, there was a point when a woman came in, clutching her chest, and claiming that she was having a heart attack and it felt exactly like it did the LAST time she had a heart attack. They didn’t even check her freaking temperature man! They just made her sit in the waiting room! I can’t even make this stuff up. Someone pointed out to me that perhaps the staff knew her to be a common visitor and hypochondriac. I guess that’s possible, but still, I’m not going to get into the Peter crying wolf scenario. You can’t argue with me that there isn’t something about that that is seriously messed up even if she was exaggerating. I dare you.

While the light gradually shifted and I agonized (yes, I am choosing that verb—agonized—because I’m weak, impatient, and it freaking hurt), I saw several prisoners in orange jumpsuits with handcuffs on both arms and legs (anklecuffs?) and in fact, there is an entire wing dedicated to the treatment of prisoners. Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m a firm believer that everyone is entitled to health care (except maybe that snake Woody Allen…), and I don’t shock easily. I consider myself fairly ‘tough’ (as in exterior—NOT when it comes to boily-ass pustules kicking it in my neck), but I’m not going to feign pretenses here. I’m a white girl from the Midwest and I’d be a liar too if I didn’t say that it’s disconcerting to both not be able to swallow and have to wonder what the hell someone did to get double-cuffed.

Finally, this nurse realized I was struggling to breathe and she looked down my throat and all of a sudden, I was fast-tracked. I ended up on a cot in the hallway. Exactly like you see on E.R. (circa late 90s before it sucked itself stale) and again, I’m waiting. But this time I’m waiting on oxygen and morphine, so I must jump the story ahead because my memory blanks out and besides, I haven’t gotten to the dildo yet.

I end up in this TINY room with a med student who is super butchy and definitely a lesbian. She closes the door and even in my drugged up state, it doesn’t escape my notice that she, Elena, and my bulgy tonsil make an odd trio. It’s sort of uncomfortable. But so is like, life…so, when she tells me she’s not sure if I have an abscess and will need to do an ultrasound, I’m like, ‘ok’. Except really I couldn’t speak, so I think I just nodded. She pulls out this neck massagy DILDO (here it is!) thing and says she’s going to have to STICK THIS DOWN MY THROAT. Before she does so, however, it takes her like the gestation period of a fucking elephant to get the machine working. And then…”no, this ultrasound machine doesn’t work”…”I’ll be right back”…and “WHAT is wrong with this plug?”…Jesus Christ, just fix me already. So she finally gets this shit hooked up. I’m sweaty and this room is tiny and she takes out a CONDOM. She rolls it slowly over the dildo/ultrasound stick/neck massager just like the banana demonstration from health class and then squirts a ridiculous amount of KY JELLY LUBE onto it. She then proceeds to stick the entire apparatus down my throat. Don’t forget the first part of the paragraph. Still three lesbians in a coffee can.

Surprise! I had an abscess in my throat.

From there…I’ll spare you the details, but dildo-girl attempts to stick a needle into my tonsil and drain it while three other med students observe(one of whom dropped her heavy knee tapping thingy on me while peering in my throat) and this fat, bossy old nurse gives her instructions. She did this while leaning her pink, ugly, nurse-patterned butt on the counter. (Seriously, what is UP with that? Why do they make their clothing look like the wallpaper from a nursery?) Yes, the room was small, but she, the only experienced one in the room, decided to instruct from afar.

Good ol’ dildo girl removed only enough puss to have resided in the pimple of an eleven year-old, which is how I ended up back in the hospital two days later.

For those that like things wrapped up nicely, I’ve since had my tonsils removed, but I waited until I got health insurance again. I’ve been back on solid food for well over a month, which is about when I decided all of this, is in fact, hilarious.