Jesus Speaks Spanish (and Drinks 3.2 Beer)

You might think I’m going to tell you some witty little travel story and maybe accompany it with some pictures of local Latinos at some colorful festival.

I’m not.

I haven’t really been anywhere. Not anywhere that people blog about and I certainly don’t have a world map with pins in it bragging about where I’ve been.

But if I did, this one would be me and the big guy…er…the big guy’s son, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

If you are conservative, religious, or easily offended, just stop reading.

So we all know Mormons are fucking CRAZY.

Smart, entrepreneurial, good architects, global, but…off the charts, certifiably nuts.

This will not be another, ‘holy crap, listen to THIS’ about the ridiculous shit Joe Smith made up, because that’s endless and has been done and besides, go watch Big Love.

It’s just a mere anecdote about SLC.

We went there—a bunch of us queers—for a gay wedding.

I know.

We frolicked, we danced, and we invaded conservative America. And it was all good.

But the last day we decided to go down to the square, where the temple is and check it out, tourist-style.

There are tons of chicks from all over the world. It’s like the only place in SLC where they let people of color.

The women also go on missions, just like the men, but they can get sent to Salt Lake City to be docents, or tour-guides or whatever. I mean, can you imagine being from like Australia or Brazil or something and being sent to Utah on your mission? Talk about sucking.

I’m undeniably gay and feeling uncomfortable although at least I’m blonde and look like a lot of their 17-year-old boys.

We go into this information center where we wait for the foreign girls to guide us to the Jesus statue—huge, and like he’s been carved out of a massive bar of dove soap. I learn then, that in Salt Lake City, Jesus speaks Spanish.

As for the beer thing? I mean, that’s just funny. I do, however, really intuitively feel that Jesus would be a light-beer kind of guy. Like...'hey JC, you need another brewsky?'. Yeah, that just fits. I dunno if he'd answer though. I don't speak Spanish.