Gender and Generalized Apathy

i remember when i was 20 or 21 and the entire concept of identity constructs and identity politics blowing my mind, as did the shock of the extinction of 80 gazillion passenger pigeons (ok, an exaggeration but seriously...like a shitload of pigeons were killed in absolutely no time) as well as that little thing called the WTO. i am not alone in this awakening of a liberal arts college education and frankly watching others spout their newly acquired knowledge straight from the mouths of their P.hd T.A's who are probably younger than me, makes me want to hurl on their faces and hope that some of the nast lands in their blabbing mouths.
which i know is sorta gross and extreme. but still.
because at some point all that passion and all that energy and all that marching wore me out. the emergence of all of this new knowledge quickly became overwhelming as the frenzy to have an impact quickly resembled a patchwork gardener contest. that, coupled with my swift introduction into the ills of urban public education turned my idealism sour.
i mean, for the most part.
i'm not totally willing to allow myself to become that jaded cynic. nobody likes that kid. i still, in my heart fully believe that change is possible, that hard work pays off, and that pursuing these things is absolutely crucial. yet, i grew up catholic in the midwest and i don't know if i can ever change this ethic or rooted values. as much as both of those facts can sometimes be disdainful in another story context, in this fashion, i am grateful .
but this isn't about my insight into the systemic ills of academia, or lack thereof. oh, no...find me on a friday happy hour for that one and i will persistently insist that we not talk about school. then i'll give a speech about it after my second beer.
this is about how lately, i am rethinking gender in a big way.
and not meaning to.
i want it to go away actually.
because it makes me get into my head and start thinking about constructs and all that stuff that is just soooo women's studies and i'm over it.
except maybe i'm not?
i don't feel like a girl. that is how it started. i started thinking...this little voice in my head...while i was doing mundane shit...it started saying that to me. and i told it to shut-up. because it was being stupid. i like my body. i like all of its parts. i don't want to change it. i know who i am attracted to and i don't want to change that either. so what did this little voice know? um, nothing. i'm not trans. in some ways, i can relate, but i'm not. i just know that. and i know i don't feel like a boy and don't want to be one. i'm not even super butchy. i don't get mistaken for a man or boy...or at least very rarely and then it's usually someone thinking i'm a gay 16-yr-old, which i find kind of flattering, but it's not because i want to be one. i just think they have better fashion than lesbians.
and then i realized that it's just that i don't feel like a girl or woman that is defined by society. and then i was annoyed because i realized that's totally identity politics and i was not in college anymore so i was over that, right?
except maybe i'm not?
i'm envious of straight people that really fit those stereotypical male/female roles. but it doesn't end there. i'm also envious of people that are gay in a stereotypical way.
and i used to think my evident lesbian tendencies from an early age made me fit some stereotype, but i think the reality is that a tiny minority fits any of those media stereotypes.
most of us, are sorta muddled.
or at least i know i am. a muddled mutt. definitely. i started to want to feel more comfortable with the wardrobe choices i made and the way i felt best presenting myself. which i often found at odds with being a high school teacher. while i feel there is more fluidity with such things in the bay area, i also feel that my formative years made me fear any sign of difference.
i started thinking about my name and how i don't and have never really identified with being 'michelle'. i've always preferred mich or miche ('meesh') and it's not about male/female identity stuff. it's just about what feels like ME.
which really, with all the identity rhetoric aside, is what this all comes down to. i want to feel like me. which means a lot things. it means i might get tipsy and spout some stuff about special education laws. or i might make you listen to the top three reasons why some musical artist is the next big thing. or it might mean i only want to shop at boys gap. or i might walk around all day in a bikini. but i want to feel safe exploring that. i always equated 'genderqueer' with one step away from transitioning, but as much as i resist this adventure into rethinking identity, i'm beginning to rethink that concept altogether.