Tonight I should be doing one of two things right now. Celebrating or sleeping. Instead I'm furiously hitting 'refresh' on my election browser to check the results of proposition 8 in California.
That, and I'm drinking.
So, I guess I AM doing two things.
Just not the two I highlighted as 'SHOULDS'.
Fuck SHOULDS.
Because we SHOULD not be surprised to have an African-American president.
And we SHOULD not--as the wealthiest nation in the world--be so behind in our protection of human rights.
A couple years ago, my therapist (yeah, that's what I said..I SHOULD not feel shame for the dough I spent on this aspect of my overall heatlh...) had me draw my SHOULDS.
She was trying to rid me of my homophobic Catholic guilt.
If only this were the worries of all the people of the world, you know?
That, as an employed, capable adult, we would all still have money to rid oneself of their childhood shit(otherwise known as SHOULDS)...
but i digress.
So, she had me draw my SHOULDS, my JUDGE. My inner fears and thoughts. The things I continue to carry with me though I SHOULD not.
I drew this LOUD lady, full of color and fury, yelling at me, as I clamped my ears, frightened by the noise and hate.
Hate that I carry with me.
Tonight I stood beneath a marquee with four simple letters.
MILK.
The premiere of the movie about the life of Harvey Milk shone above me. Hipsters danced wildly about, hopeful about a new dawn, a new era, a historic turn of events.
I felt teary with the symbolism and irony.
On one hand, I am elated for the change that Barack Obama promises.
On the other, I stood beneath a sign for a movie about a gay man who died fighting for equal rights for Gay people and for this, as I looked around, I felt...well I felt I SHOULD feel MORE.
But I do not. I feel like it's the same shit, with different outfits.
Tonight has been bittersweet.
I SHOULD FEEL LIKE AN ENTITLED HUMAN BEING WITH EQUAL RIGHTS.
I do not.
And for that, there is no should ending in any other words that rights that wrong.
I want and need and love and fear and cry like Harvey and Martin and even Sarah Palin (and of course like Tina Fey) and I SHOULD be granted that freedom.
Because, people...yes we can...yes we can...yes we can...and people? WE SHOULD!
